009 // The Empty Box

I knew that I was going to have to decline the offer, but I didn't expect there not to be an offer. I never expected the box to be empty. And this seems to be more upsetting. And I'm not sure why the box was empty. Maybe because the powers at be have finally found out about my intentions to leave. And so why waste the paper? But maybe it was an offer I couldn't refuse, though I doubt it. But still. Where was my envelope? That just made it sink in. I was done at this job, as much as I don't want to accept it. No offer. No contract. No job. My time at my job was pretty much over. I can't believe it will all be over in about 6 weeks. Bittersweet.

008 // Pick a date

DH just got back from a week long trip in Seattle. His family is overjoyed that we are headed back there. His brother bought a zoo pass to take K on trips there. His mom is rearranging her house so that we can relocate to it. Everyone is so excited to be around us.

DH on a school visit at Seattle University. He talked to professors and the financial aid office. Somehow he worked something so that he would only have to pay something like $240 out of pocket, but we are still going to take out a little cost-of-living loan.

007 // Grandparents

As nice as it will be for K to spend time with DH's family, I wonder if he really knows how much affect this life change will have on K. Her whole world revolves around Papa and Grammy (my parents). Papa reads her a book every night, as part of the bedtime ritual. She and Grammy have an after school routine, not to mention a before school routine. We have lived with them from before K was born. Her life, as she knows it, is with them. How can she go from being around them almost 24/7 to not, not at all, cold-turkey?

I had some photos printed and as i was looking at them, i came across one of Papa and K. They both have the biggest smile on their faces. I felt a little sad looking at it though, wondering when they would be together like this again. When would be the next time we would see them? With everyone working, I feel like realistically, it wouldn't be until next summer. One whole year. K would be 3, practically four. And even though I promised myself I would be happy and embrace this change, that thought makes me feel incredibly sad - although not for myself, more so for K. She only has 1 Papa, and it is so obvious he is important to her. (I'm sure that was her first word!) and he won't stop being important to her, but he won't be that guy she visits with every night.

But maybe this is the time to make new rituals. Maybe Papa can Skype with her every night and they can share their book time that way. In this technological world, maybe that is even better. And maybe Grammy and Papa will miss us and want to come visit sooner.

I just know, we have the next two/three months to make as many memories and happy moments as possible and really enjoy the time we have left with them.

006 // Making Lemonade

I have decided that I am tired of being upset about our move to Seattle. I have wasted enough time and energy on being sour about the whole thing. This is not me. I haven’t been feeling like myself. I am not a sad person. I want to be happy. I want to feel good about myself. I need to embrace this change for what it’s worth: a fresh start, new opportunities, and adventure. DH told me that he doesn’t think I am motivated. He has never seen me be motivated to do anything. This hit a cord with me. I used to think I was intrinsically motivated to do good, but I guess he’s right.. I don’t think I have felt motivated to do anything for a while. This had me thinking. An old boyfriend of mine once told me that he thought I would be happier if I was doing something. So I went out and applied for a job and starting scrapbooking. He was right, the working made me feel so much better. I felt like I was doing something meaningful, something that mattered. And I think that this move will help me find my joy again, to help me feel meaningful again. I started thinking about the new things I could do in Seattle. I could work in a school, maybe even a school where K was a student, I could volunteer at a new church, I could start walking and exercising, I could start driving. I could start fresh with all of these things that used to make me happy. DH is right. Seattle will give us so many more opportunities that Hawaii cannot. Of course, it’s never easy to start fresh or to leave things that feel comfortable, but on the other hand, negative feelings are never good for anyone. Sadness is never good for anyone’s well-being. I know that my pessimistic views about the whole ordeal just weigh on DH, and that’s not fair for me to do. It’s time for me to be on board. We are a partnership and I need to start being a partner. Hawaii will always be my home, but maybe Seattle is where I need to be to grow up, to come into my own, to find myself. Where I used to think that this move to Seattle was just a basket of lemons, I now realize that it’s an opportunity to make some delicious lemonade.