005 // So what is MY problem?

The paper came today. SU costs over $40K a year, so that's pretty pricey. DH earned two scholarships that are about $12K, so the loans are going to be fairly hefty.

The brochure is nice. I'm a big sucker for a nice brochure (That's not how I picked my own college or anything).

It feels like it is definitely marketed to the 20somethingyearold. The bars, the eateries, the clubs, and live music and parties and everything that is located in downtown Seattle. The unfortunate part is, even though there is a part of me that thinks that sound fun and fabulous, the reality is that I am no longer a 20somethingyearold. I am in fact a 30somethingyearold. I am a mom. I was in college before 9/11. I feel worried that I am going to be a square peg in a round hole. But, I'm not the one going to LS. I don't need to feel like I fit in.

Until, DH is headed to study groups, or meetings, or mixers, or dinners with friends. Where "no one else has a wife" so maybe he won't want to invite/bring me. Is this my biggest fear? That even trumphs leaving Hawaii and my home? Maybe. Maybe I am the most scared about, feeling left behind.

This is his big moment. Who am I to be the stick in the mud? It's not about me, and I am trying not to make it about me. When I met him, I was the one who had gone to college (and it didn't matter because he was so smarter than me in so many other things). We were interlectually matched. We could have conversations and have fun and enjoy each other's company. The education thing never really came up.

And then he was in college. And it started to feel like he thought he was definitely smarter than me. Maybe smarter in different things. (I'm just an English major, everyone knows that's like Communications. Generic. Anyone can do it.) He's popular (though he doesn't think so). He's older than most of the "kids." So maybe he was smarter because he had more life experience. But I didn't want him to think he was smarter than Me.

And now he's going to be a college graduate. And I am happy for him. He's the first one in his family, that's a big deal and such a great accomplishment, especially because he almost dropped out of high school. I am so proud. He did this college thing with a wife & a daughter, and he did it well, holding a high grade point average. (Definitely higher than mine, and it was just me in college.)

Then comes LS. And he will have a graduate degree, a Law Degree, and I will still have my BA in English, no longer the one with more schooling. And it sounds like I'm not okay with that, but I am. I am okay with that. So what is my problem?